Post Doctor visit

The doctor dropped the bomb today.

I received the news with such calmness, even i am surprise with my composure.

I choose to wai for the miscarriage to happen naturally.

Doctor pon kata there's no rush.

He said i can opt for a bloodwork if i wanted to.

But both me and hubs decided not to have anymore needles poking me.

I've have enough for now.

We miscarriage at 6 weeks! (gestational sac age. Not last menstrual perid date)

Honestly, i've sort of expected the bad news from the doctor, since te day i started bleeding.

But after i paid the bills and left the clinic, i didn't even made it to the escalator before i started sobbing..

Husband tried franctically to sooth me, as dia risau org ingat kitaorg tgh gaduh and dia yg buat i nangis. Huhu.

I still have all my pregnancy symptoms.

It made it so much harder to let go.

I have to re learn how to be not pregnant.

It could take weeks for the miscarriage to happen naturally.

I'm no longer sick wif worry as the doctor has delivered te bad news. But now i'm just plain scared waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally. I heard it's gonna be bloody painful. Nice!

As for my babydot, maybe it's not our fate and destiny to meet my little one.
I believe Allah knows best.
I hope one day (soon) you'll be back with me.

Even tho it's so hard for me to let go,
I am saying my goodbye now.
Till we meet again babydot.

Pre doctor visit

I am soooo nerveous today..
Right after i open my eyes..

Now baru 11 am and the doctor's visit is not until 3
Haihh.. This is killing me..
Takut sampai rase nak termuntah
This is worst than takut nak exam ACCA (walaupon tak abes study. Huhu)

I'm praying and keep praying that you'll be okay babydot..
Please please be okay..

All my calmness seems vanished today..
Today my heart felt that it is beating twice as fast..
Macam naik treadmill plak. Hehe
Perut rase macam nak tercabut pon ade..
Dah la malam/pagi tadik diarrhea..
Entah la kenapa..

4 more hours to go..
Let's keep our fingers cross that the next post will be good news.
Aminnn

Waiting Day 4

Just had my lunch :)
Just roti and sausage.
Not healthy kan babydot..
Tapi mummy malas nak kuar gi tapau..
And opah and bibik takde diorang kuar gi klinik.
So roti and sausage it is.

Today is suppose to be the last day of waiting..
Mummy does feel nerveous then and again..
But try to be positive and keep calm..
I'm expecting to see your little heart beating tomorrow little one..
Please don't be shy and let mummy has a peek ok :)

Right now.. I'm taking my life one step at a time..
Got back my pregnancy symptoms..
Hopefully that's a good sign..
I think when i feel like i'm missing my symptoms the day i had spotting, that's just my mind playing tricks..

But for blighted ovum.. Pregnancy symptoms meant nothing..
It can all be presence, due to the growing gestational sac.
But in actual sac the baby is not growing..
Let's just hope that's not our case here babydot..
Fingers cross

Mummy started to feel nauseous now and then..
Semalam petang baru rase nak muntah..
Kalau betul auntie ju cakap week 8 it will all start..
She's now in quite a bad shape of morning sickness.. Hehe..
Sian dia..

But i will gladly take all that puking if that means you're growing safe and healthy babydot..
I even promise Allah i would not complaint (much) if i were to have morning sickness, as long as i can have you.. Safe and healthy.. Hehe.. Your daddy will surely hold my words on this if and when i do get morning sickness.. Hehehe..

Till tomorrow..
Grow strong and healthy babydot..
May your heart beat stronger and stronger everyday.
XoXo

Waiting Day 3

I just got back from the hospital kejap tadik..
Went there for my 2nd shot of progesterone (the name of the ubat is im proluton to be exact)

The tube is so small..
But the sting is bloody big.. huhuhuh

Entah kenapa.. This 2nd shot is much much much more painful than  the 1st one..
It doesn't help that i offered the same side punye punggung.. hehehe..

Cause the 1st shot 3 days ago still left me feeling sore at the injection site..
So pikir2.. tanak la nanti dedua side sakit kan.. alang2 sakit.. baik sakit sebelah side jek.. huhuhu..

Wrong!
Mase nurse tu cucuk.. I was being all brave..
Siap suruh Leman tunggu kat dlm kereta jek..
Itu pon nasib baik Leman baik offer nak bawak..
Memula ingat nak macho drive sendirik jek.. hehehe..

Sekali mase nurse tu cucuk..
Sakit nak mampos ok..
Serius tak exegerate pon..
It's even more painful than my fertility shots of gonal-f and apetah nama ubat pecah telur tu kan..
Even tho those shots are at my stomach..

Yg nih rase macam ponggong aku on fire ok..
Serius tak tipu.. huhuhu..
Worse still its on fire and you can't seem to put out the fire..

Mase mula2 lepas cucuk tadik.. dia punye burning sensation.. ikut hati mmg aku dah nangis kat situ jugak.. Tapi sebab ai maluuuu.. hehhehehe.. takkan la cembeng gila cucuk bontot pon nangis kot? :P

I still feel sore + stinging + burning at my injection side aka ponggong belah kanan while typing this..
Entah bila la nak ilang..

Rase nye lepas jumpa doktor rabu nih.. I'm gonna get the 3rd shot plak.. gulp..

Takpe lah.. anything for you babydot..
Ponggong mummy sakit sikit tak pe lah..
Asalkan babydot sihat ok..

On a different note..
Totally rocking my mc today..
Syok gile perasaan tak payah bangun pegi keja on monday morning.. hehehhe..

Part yg tak syok nye ialah.. ING tak cover doctor Dev..
Cause he's a fertility specilist.. on top of being a O&G specialist..huhuhu..
Walaupon I'm still entitle for it under my maternity benefit..
But since i insist to maintain Dr Dev as my doctor.. everything now gotta be on a "pay and claim" basis..
And minggu nih saje akak dah abes dekat seribu nyeh!! huhuhuh..
Cepat la ING tu reimburse 1st claim.. ishkk..
But again.. anything for you babydot..
Takpe.. duit boleh carik kan..

On me being pregnant..
Honestly, i feel fine..

Nausea here and there.. But nothing serius sampai tahap muntah ke kan..
Boobs sakit macam biasa..
Appetit is okay as long as i don't eat too much..
No more cramping and no more spotting.. (alhamdulillah)
So i take that as a good sign..
Insyaallah.. babydot is gonna be okay..
We will keep praying for you..

XoXo

Waiting Day 2

And the waiting continues..

I no longer bother to scour the internet for information.

The spotting has stop and i feel fine..

So i'm gonna take it as a good sign..

Since i'm on mc from tomorrow till wednesday, i'm just gonna rest and stay calm..

I'm sure you're doing your part to grow my babydot.

Grow strong and healthy ok..

Mummy's gonna help with lots of eating.. Hehehe..

Walaupon sebenarnye eating tu lebih untuk mummy :p

Got my pregnancy symptoms back..
I'm not sure its cause by the extra progesterone..
But hopefully due to the increase in hcg hormone..
Which in turn means my babydot is growing healthly.

Now i have to eat more frequent as i became easily hungry..
2-3 jam dah lapar balk.. Huhu..

Kejap agi nak balik KD balik..
Got buka puasa with zaika & clan and juju plus juju junior dlm perut and alan..
Can't wait to be at juju's stage..
Err..but mummy doesnt envy her morning sickness tho.. Hehe

Take care babydot..
Be safe and well..
Xoxo..

Waiting day 1

And the waiting starts today :)
No more spotting today.
Which is good.
No more mild cramping either.
Which is also good.

And I'm starting to feel my sore boobs again.
Which i hope is also a good sign.

But that's about it.
No nausea.
Appetite seems to have return.
Tho i eat less nowadays..
Cause cepat rase muak.

All in all..
I feel okay..
But its only 1035 am now. huhu

Gonna go back to Bangi today.

Did some research on the internet..
So far, can only conclude 50-50..
Some cases are ok..
Some turns out not..

What worry me the most is the absence of the egg yolk in my gestation sac, especially my gestation sac is 22.3 mm in size.. Normal scan would already show a yolk sac when the gestation sac is >16mm..

But whatever it is.. semua nye kuasa Allah.
So at this point of time.. anything is possible..

Ya Allah, please let us have this baby and let it be safe and healthy.
Aminnnn

Spotting no more (for now at least)

I was calm and composed all afternoon after that visit to the doctor..Even tho my inside feels like its inside out.. huhu..
But upon hearing my dad's voice.. All that composure was gone.

One minute i was telling him of my not so good news..
The next minute i was bawling my eyes out..
While cooking my lunch.. huhuhu..

Yep.. today i skip fasting..
Since i knew I will get that transvagina scan anyway..
After performed my zuhur baru teringat that I shud probably mandi wajib first right..

After one whole day of googling and reading as much as i can about blighted ovum..
One thing for sure is that there's nothing we can do except accepting fate..

But I also read that there's a lot of cases whereby the heartbeat is not visible so early in the pregnancy.. So there's still hope..
And I am clinging hard on that hope..

I hope you'll survive this first test babydot..
I hope your heart will start beating very soon, it it doesn't already..

On the bright side..
No spotting visible after my visit to the doctor..

Since he said he spotted the bleeding in the scan..
I did asked him whether i shud expect more bleeding after today..

He said probably..
But he also said let's hope the meds will stop any further bleeding..

So there you go..
This will be the longest 5 days of my life..
Please please be okay babydot..
Mummy is rooting for you.
Gambate!

2nd visit to Dr Dev

I'm back from our visit to the doctor..

The spotting is still there albeit being very light.

When the doctor did the transvagina ultrasound..

He can see the gestational sac growing but no baby visible yet.
He said that this is normal and probably because the baby is too small.

However, what worried him is because from the scan, it is clearly seen that i have bleeding..

This bleeding can either be cause by:

1) Lack of progesterone
- of which i will be receiving the progesterone shots every 3 days.. Today i received the 1st one kat bontot.. the after effect is more painful as compared to during the actual shot itself.. haihh.. Its ok.. anything for you babydot.. On top of that, the doctor now increased my duphaston intake..

2) Blighted ovum..
This is common in early pregnancy whereby the gestational sac is empty, or the baby did not continue developing as it should be.. If this happen, miscarriage is emminent, and nothing anyone can do to prevent it from happening..

For now, the doctor has done everything that he can do to protect my pregnancy.. Same goes with me and hubs.. nothing more we can do except to wait..

Luckily dr dev give me mc sampai next wednesday, when he will confirm whether babydot is okay or I indeed have a blighted ovum..

What a bummer.. such dugaan during ramadhan..

Berserah dan bertawakal pada Allah..
He know's best..
Although I'm hoping and praying with all my heart and might that everything will be alright..
I have this nagging feeling that it will not.. :(

So saddddd...
Besides the spotting.. I also feel like i lost almost all my pregnancy symptoms..
I wish I had that sore boobs again..  But boobs feels fine.. no more nausea and my appetite seem to return.. As i read in the internet.. this is so not a good sign.. So for this reason, I'm trying to mentally and physically prepare myself for the worst..

Hoping for a miracle during this ramdhan..

Please keep my baby safe and healty Ya Allah..

Spotting at 5 weeks

This evening before i perform my zuhur prayer..
I spot some very light spotting on the tissue..

I was sick with worry.
When i saw Leman dalam keta mase nak balik tadik..
Terus broke down and cry..

I finally calm down after his soothing..

Balik umah..semayang asar and the spotting has stopped..

Tapi lepas berbuka and maghrib tadik..
I check my panties and there it is..
This time more obvious than petang tadik..

petang tadik macam brownish discharge..
Malam nih macam brown blood spotting..
Walaupon sikit..

I've already made an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning..

Besides that, there nothing much both me and leman can do..
Except for pray..

And as devastating as it is.. expecting the worst..

However, i pray hard that babydot will be safe and healthy..

Me and my baby dot

It's been a while since I blog.

Cant blog in my old blog cause I haven't announce you yet, baby dot. :)

Alasan coverline.

Alasan tak coverline adelah cause mummy malas and cepat mengantuk sekarang...
Lepas semayang isyak and baca quran normally sudah gone.. huhu..
Terawikh pon sempat buat satu malam saja.. ishk..ishk..
Membazir ramadhan kan..
I'll try to be better insyaallah..

It's been exactly 1 week since i knew i'm pregnant :)

Have told most of our immediate family and some of my closest frens..

Part of me is super thrill everytime I'm thinking of you..
But part of me is super scared everytime I'm thinking of you..
huhuhuh..

Not scared as in scared I'm gonna have a baby..
More scared "are you alright my baby"

Before I knew I am pregnant, I couldn't careless what i do..
But now, I still cringe remembering all the things i did and ate while in Krabi 2 weeks ago.. hehe..
Hopefully Allah always protect you my baby dot..
I will always pray for you..

Tapi sekarang sebab dah tau I have you baby dot..
Mummy nak jalan dari kereta pegi parking pon takut takut.. huhuhu..

Semua high heels mummy sedang berhibernasi sekarang..
Tapi wedges still boleh pakai kan.. sebab tak cantik la pakai crocs jek ke hulu ke hilir.. hehehe.
Nanti bila baby dot dah besar sikit kita bole shopping kasut baru ok..

Next scan with doctor Dev lagik 3 minggu..
Nak menunggu 3 minggu tuh macam 3 bulan ok..
Lagik mummy pikir lagik mummy takut..
So baik la kita takyah pikir ok..
Kita buat rilek rilek jek..

Kalau ikut scan you're about 5 weeks now..
I count my life per week basis now..
Keep growing strong and healthy ye baby dot..

As of now. mummy show no symptom of pregnancy..
Even before i had you I already have a perut of "ibu mengandung 3 bulan".. tsskkk..
Beza nye skrg even after I've suck in my 'perut', it made no different.. huhuhuhu..
Takpe lah..as long as you're healthy..

No morning sickness yet.. Hopefully mmg takde lah..
Tapi auntie ju cakap masuk 8 weeks nanti baru morning sickness datang..
Kita tunggu dan lihat saja ok..

Till next time..
Muahs